You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.