A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.