A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
How to wake up a Beagle
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
live long and prosper!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count