@krishna_van: A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that's when I realised I was drunk.
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@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".
@MouthOfSass: Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard. Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
@spitfirehussy: You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.