A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.