A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.