a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
fixed it
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.