A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?