A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
*seductively eats two tums*
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh