A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid