*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it