@Coolisiana: *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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@radtoria: 1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice
@Book_Krazy: Him: You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin? Me: HOW DARE Y... Wait, did you just call me darlin
@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
@_SingleBabyMama: A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.