@Coolisiana: *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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@RBColl: Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?
@buck4itt: Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys. ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.