A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’