This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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Breaking news:
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.