@KrunkedRobot: A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@LetMeStart: Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.