A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My background check bounced.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
bro what is going on at twitter
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
sigh
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second