if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft