A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Investing in beetcoin
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
this is how life feels
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?