A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant