A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It