A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.