@frenchielaboozi: a lady was like "can you believe he's 14 months old already" and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day
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@maebemarbles: *at the pharmacy* I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH *pharmacist blinks* GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick's Day. Chipotle manager: It's St. Patrick's Day?
@joejwest: ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way