I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
No, he would not have.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit