@frenchielaboozi: a lady was like "can you believe he's 14 months old already" and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day
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@sixfootcandy: Him: Let's get you out of that dress. Me: Be careful Him: Why? Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I'll pop open like a can of biscuits.
@thenatewolf: ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions. DETECTIVE: [sighs] ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
@SteelFontana: When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."
@Cpin42: Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking...I’ll never have abs like that.