In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
You Might Also Like
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.