@ElKnuckelhombre: A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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@online_rat: my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
@NOTVIKING: date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill