A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.