A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.