A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.