Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Care for your back
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
being a writer on Twitter:
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.