Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Bringing home a sharpie
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.