A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.