A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Beware of the dog..
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork