A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
taking June’s advice to heart
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Nothing.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Good dog. ❤️
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.