@misfarber: A little Caesar's pizza joke, eh?
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@XplodingUnicorn: Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
@ch000ch: hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him
@Brampersandon_: ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*
@1_swarthy_dude: "Did anyone else's house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices..........oh U2?"