A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
You Might Also Like
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m going to need a moment here.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
This dude got his own movie?
💻🤡
How to wake up a Beagle
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE