Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”