A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
hey, alexa
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”