@chuuew: A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
@panmidwest: ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard
@roostermustache: Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here
Obama: joe im on the phone
Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
@madcaplaughs30: The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like "well, can't even do that right"
@huntigula: "Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!"
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.