A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
So that’s what we looked like?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”