my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Social distancing in Australia:
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
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