A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
You Might Also Like
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.