A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Fight
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year