The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*