[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
These are too funny not to post 😂
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I would like even faster food.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers