A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I have a type: disappointing
yeah 😭
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.