A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.