I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
it is time once again
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”