A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible