@U_Want_Shum_M8: A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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@KeetPotato: cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"
@JKNenagh: Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
@LADaddy: [At the stress test, staring at a treadmill] Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally. *sits down on a chair* Me: Okay.
@OilCan314: I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.