A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…