A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Perfection.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO