A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?