A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Best misinterpreted text ever!