@DirtMcTurd: A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action... And opened another register
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@murrman5: can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"
@rolldiggity: When your date asks about your hobbies, DON'T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, "Collecting knives with strangers' prints on them."
@Phook75: Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I'm having the hardest time deciding what to wear
@UncleDuke1969: "Wow, it's pouring out there." "Just let a smile be your umbrella!" "That's not how rain works, Karen."