A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.