@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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@iscoff: TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
@LindaInDisguise: Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book. Friend: You're writing a book? Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.
@mkpaulsen: I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.