@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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@ehdannyboy: "Take it with a pinch of salt," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made horrible tea.
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@Iwriteforcats: Cats make the best boyfriends because they're soft, loyal, and won't claim they're straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!