A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper