@UberFacts: A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
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@AbrasiveGhost: ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun
@MomofTeen: When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
@dreamthievin: One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
@samuelhlowe: - Police, open the door. - What do you want? - We just wanna talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - Well just talk to each other.