me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
excuse me
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.