@UberFacts: A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
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@dave_cactus: [sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?
@AmishPornStar1: Woah!!! You're a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
@Adar79Angie: If I had to list one thing I'm truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.