why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?